Medicine and Health

             A member of the faculty of a London medical college was chosen to be an honorary physician to the Queen. Proud of his appointment he wrote a note on the blackboard in his classroom:

            "Beginning next month," it said, "I will be honorary physician to Queen Elizabeth." The nex day when professor returned to the classroom, he found the following line written below his notice: "God save the Queen."

*  *  *

  Patient: I'm in love with you. I don't want to get well.

  Nurse: You won't. The doctor saw you kissing me, and he's in love with me, too.

*  *  *

   "I'm glad I attended your lectures on insomnia, doctor."

   "Did you find them interesting?"

   "No, but they have cured my insomnia."

*  *  *

          Young Daddy, fooling in his father's den, succeeded in swallowing a shotgun shell. His frantic mother rushed him to the doctor.

         "Let's keep our heads above all this," counselled that wise gentleman. "I won't be able to operate until Friday. Meanwhile, keep the boy from jumpingaround too much and don't point him at anybody!"

*  *  *

Doctor (arranging patient on operating table): I'll be perfectly frank and tell you that four out of five patients die under this operation. Is there anything I can do for you before I begin?

Patient: Yes - help me on with my shoes and pants.

*  *  *

"You must help me, Doctor," said the patient to his psychiatrist. "I can't remember anything for more than a few minutes. It's driving me crazy."

"How long has this been going on?" asked the psychiatrist gently.

"How long has what been going on?" replied the man.

*  *  *

"You say that your husband is too fond of strong coffee which makes him too excited. If so, you must not let him have it."

"But, doctor, you should see how excited he gets when I give him weak coffee."

*  *  *

Physician: "Your body is the baggage you must carry through life. The more excess baggage, the shorter the trip."

*  *  *

Doctor: Could you pay for an operation if I thought one was necessary?

Patient: Would you find one necessary if I could not pay for it?

*  *  *

"Am I very ill, doctor?"

"Oh, dear, no. Not more than thirty pounds worth."

*  *  *